All my life, I’ve tried to cling to things and never let go because I hate to say good bye.
That sharp pain in the heart when you have to let go, the moment of weakness when you have to say good bye, I couldn’t take all of that.
I always said to myself “if you can stop that pain by not saying goodbye, why then do you have to let go”. So I kept things and the people that were hurting me. I held onto things that brought me pain and made me cry, all because I didn’t want to say goodbye.
Not that I enjoyed the pain inflicted on me by holding on, but I felt it would rather be more painful to say goodbye.
I got used to being hurt, and crying, and saying to myself “things will change, it’ll get better”. I never wanted to think of letting go.
The thoughts of starting all over again without the people and things I’ve gotten used to scared me. I held on to relationships that hurt, friendships that broke me down, things that didn’t make me happy.
I could sit and think for hours, looking for the strength to let go and move on. Everything around me was hurting but I was terrified to be alone. I didn’t want to be alone, I couldn’t handle the pain.
There are some days that I let go and try to deal with the pain, but along the way I stop and repeat my usual cliché “if you can stop that pain by not saying goodbye, why then do you have to let go”. So I go back and try to fix things, even when it doesn’t feel right.
The more I tried to understand myself, the more confused I got.
I always broke down in tears whenever my friends or partner had to leave. I craved people around me, I felt unloved and neglected when I’m alone. It felt like everyone was against me.
It got to the point where I had to keep two or more boyfriends, just so that I could get a shoulder to cry on when one leaves. Don’t judge me. I had to play smart I thought.
I was always looking for ways to stop people from leaving me, even when they had to go.
I lived my life pleasing people. I had to do things I didn’t like, I broke all of my principles just so I won’t be alone.
Even though I tried to fix things with hopes of being happy, they kept going bad, they hurt more, I cried more and more.
So I decided to go on a self-check.
I didn’t understand why I had to go through all these pains just to be wanted but still felt unwanted.
Then I discovered that I didn’t have a steady relationship with myself. I didn’t love me.
I would do anything to see other people but not me happy.
A friend once said to me “if you have a good relationship with yourself, you’ll never be lonely. Because when everyone is gone, you will still have you. The you that loves and will never leave you”.
In the midst of all the pain, the hurt and the moments of feeling lonely, I spent more time with myself. I was determined to know me more, to love me more, and to make me the happiest person on earth.
Often at times we are scared of losing people, but can you take a minute to ask yourself “if there is anyone out there who is scared of losing you”?
There is no body who will love and adore you more than YOU.
I finally gathered the courage to let go of everything that took away my happiness and the sparkle in my eyes. It wasn’t easy and it’s still not getting any easier.
I read somewhere that “sometimes all you need is a broken heart to realize that something even better is right in front of your eyes, waiting to be found”. And yes if you don’t let go, you won’t find it, because you’re busy with the things that hurts you. It’s okay to feel broken now, and be really happy later on.
I lost loved ones, friends, I lost a lot of things but hey, I didn’t lose myself. I had me and only me, and I’m still living, learning and loving me more.
It’ll hurt when you let go, I’m not going to lie to you. It’ll hurt for a very long time, maybe endlessly but you will get through it when you set your mind to it.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
Don’t settle for anything less. You, Me, We all deserve better.
Take a deep breathe, let go of anything and everything that doesn’t improve you or make you happy. Just kill that fear, take a decision now, and do it.
Everything will be okay.
LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH, LEARN but always PUT YOURSELF FIRST
Words by: PAMELA